2/10/09 - Looking Back

While we were at the hospital again, I was downstairs eating at the cafeteria and remembering that first week we found out about Brinley's leukemia. I looked over at the corner of the cafeteria where I sat and cried and cried because I was finally alone (well, not counting the many people eating at the cafeteria....). I remembered looking at the people around me and they were smiling and laughing, all while my world was falling apart. I wanted to scream "WHY ARE YOU SMILING! MY DAUGHTER HAS CANCER! CANCER! HOW CAN ANY OF YOU BE SMILING!" That sounds crazy, but I couldn't believe that while everything in my life was unraveling, everyone else was going on like normal. That feeling lasted for weeks, everywhere I went all I thought about was Brinley and cancer. And everyone around me went on with life. It's funny how when you think the world should stop for you, it just keeps on going. School is still in session, David has to go to work, there's piano and soccer and life. It doesn't stop. I remember thinking that everything should stop until Brinley was better, until she was normal and cured. It wasn't fair that we had to keep going with life. One thing I've learned is that there is no stopping time. Life goes on. I wonder when I laugh if there is someone looking at me, going through something awful, wondering how I could be laughing when (fill in the blank) is happening to them. I guess those times will happen to us all.

I am glad that time passes no matter what, because we are already 6 months into this! It feels like forever actually, but I'll take 6 months, especially remembering how awful the beginning was. We have adjusted (for the most part) to our new life, and now we are getting ready for our next adjsutment - a new baby next month. Honestly I try not to think about it, it is too overwhelming to imagine, but I know that we will survive (with a little, no, a lot of help from above) and our new baby will be a blessing.