5/28/09 - Sick

It is 2:30AM and Brinley just woke up and vomited.  She had 104.6 fever.  David rushed her to the ER and I am left here sick to my stomach.  I have been pacing, tried cleaning, checking my e-mail, what can I do?  I'll blog. This is the highest fever she has ever had on treatment and came on the fastest.  She was fine when we put her to bed.  These are the kind of moments when I am reminded of what Brinley has.  A disease that can easily take her life.  Just like that.  Things can be going on just fine, and BAM, you get a kick in the gut to remind you of how fragile she is.  

I am scared.  This is the most fear I have had since she was diagnosed and we had to come to the reality of our baby having cancer.  Where did this come from?  She cut her toe really bad today on our door.  A flap of skin was hanging off, and I cleaned it up and bandaged it.  Did she get an infection?  How many hours has she had a fever??  I don't even know her counts.  A million thoughts swimming around in my head....please let my baby be okay.  I have already been on my knees begging the Lord that she will not die.  And that is the kind of fear cancer parents live with.  Every fever, PLEASE DON'T DIE!  Every complaint of knee pain, PLEASE DON'T BE A RELAPSE!  PLEASE LET HER BE ONE OF THE 90%!  DON'T LET HER BE ONE WHO DOESN'T SURVIVE!  Cancer is like the elephant in the room.  It's always there, we try to get around it and ignore it, but we just can't.  We try to push it outside, we don't WANT it in here, but it won't budge.  We don't have what it takes to push it out.  Oh, how quickly she could be swept away from us.  I am sick.  Ugh, I can't stand to just sit here!  Why, why did she get this?  Why did she get cancer?  No thanks, we don't want it any more.  We want to give her some tylenol and call the doctor's office in the morning, not wonder if she'll be here in the morning.  

Hopefully tomorrow morning will have a post saying all is well and she is home.