It is fast approaching. Brinley's year anniversary of diagnosis. 9/3/08. A date that will be etched in our minds and hearts forever. Has it really been a year? What has happened to us in a year? I was reading back through our blog and it has been very difficult to read about. I won't lie, this has been a terrible year. Yet, we are happier. How is that even possible? This year we:
- Cried more tears than we could ever have imagined
- Felt pain we didn't know existed
- Watched helplessly while our 2-year-old daugher took on a battle with cancer, a battle she is still in
- Looked into her terrified eyes as we held her down for so many procedures we lost count
- Watched them sedate her so many times for surgeries or LP's we lost count
- Met more doctors than we could keep track of
- Have been financially devastated
- Have spent hours on the phone with bill collectors, hospitals, doctors, etc.
- Watched our other children suffer from neglect that was unavoidable
All of which has been terrible. So why are we happier? This year we have also:
- Grabbed onto our family and held on as tight as we could, and have survived
- Seen miracles
- Learned how precious life really is
- Watched our children learn about compassion, lessons that cannot be taught except by experience
- Discovered who our true friends are
- Felt an outpouring of generosity that continues to leave us speechless
- Met people who want to make a difference in the world, and have made a difference in our little family.
- Met doctors and nurses we never would have even known existed
- Made new friendships with people we have never even met
- Come closer to Christ, learning to rely on him
- Discovered what is important in this life, and it is not money, or our house, or our clothes, or our status
- Formed bonds in our family that will never be broken, between husband and wife, parents and children, and sisters with sisters.
- Come to a understanding of trials, and why we have them, and how we grow from them
Can I say I am grateful for this trial yet? How could I possibly be grateful to have watched so much suffering from our little girl. No, not grateful for the trial. Just the lessons learned from it. Grateful for the blessings that come from it. Grateful that we have somewhere to turn in our trials, someone who will not leave us alone and will send us tender mercies when we are suffering. We won't have it be in vein, if she has to suffer, we WILL learn something.
I don't know how this strange anniversary will be, my emotions are running high. I am tearing up about anything and everything. Brinley's birthday is next week and I remember last year, how unsuspecting we were on her birthday. As we were celebrating, cancer was taking over her body. One short week later, our lives changed forever. I don't really know what to do on that day. Rejoice that she is doing so well? Cry for all she has been through? Be angry that we have to deal with childhood cancer? Or just make it another day and try not to think about it. How about a kicking cancer's butt party? Now that might work...
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