Oh, the irony of this story with my last post! Taylor had a tournament in Vegas this weekend, and right before we left Brinley had a low grade fever. We decided to go anyway, knowing that whatever we decided would probably be the wrong decision. And, you got it, wrong decision. Does Lagoon sound familiar? Did we learn our lesson? Nope.

By Cedar City she had 101, so we put in a call to our hospital and were told to go to the nearest ER. We went to the ER in St. George expecting to be given the antibiotics and be on our way, we had arranged for a teammate to stop by and pick up Taylor so she would at least get there. Well, doctor was not my favorite person on earth, and asked questions like I should not have even been there and was wasting her time. "She didn't really have a temp when you got here. I am going to order another temp check" (mind you the thermometer was sitting right next to us). Thirty minutes later, temp check shows almost 102. Nobody listens to me when I say the nurses never do it right because Brinley has small ear canals and if you don't pull back her ear you'll get an inaccurate reading. So, once it was taken correctly it was most definately a fever. Anyhow, next question: "What made you decide to even check her temp?" Oh....my....goodness....do I really have to answer that? She was feeling sick, she has cancer, she felt warm, take your pick. She just seemed annoyed with me, and I was annoyed with her. Then they tried to take two cultures from two different sources, port and arm. Mama bear said absolutely not, we have NEVER had to do that for the DOZENS of fevers she has had, and mom will trump doctor this time. Oh, turns out you can get both cultures from the port. Thank you very much. That will work.

Anyhow, ANC was 100 last night, direct admit. All of a sudden the doctor was concerned...hmmmmm. NOW it's okay that I came in. And what the???? Her ANC hasn't been that low in almost a year!! The hospital was really great, rooms were big and clean. We have some friends who opened their home to us literally last minute. Thank you Eric and Ashley!!! I stayed the first night, then David stayed there at the hospital and I came to the tournament for Taylor with the kids. This morning ANC was 0. Which means she has absolutely no way to fight off infection, so we are waiting for the culture to come back. There are no other symptoms so I am a little concerned it is a blood infection, but I've certainly been wrong before. I think they are going to let David drive back to SLC to be closer to Primary's in case the fever comes back. I'm just waiting to hear.

Did we really think we were just going to go out without a little drama? No, that's not Brinley's style....drama is her middle name....can I scream now?

Brinley is feeling better this week, although the steroids seem to be lingering in the form of roid rage, Brinley has been really difficult the last day or two. I always start thinking it's "her", then two weeks after steroids are done she returns to her normal happy-for-the-most-part self. She is so excited to have only one treatment left. She keeps punching the air and saying "I BEAT cancer! I'm so tough!"

This post, however, will be about yours truly :) Me.

It's always hard to write about what I'm doing, I guess I figure you don't come here to hear about me. But I think this one is post-worthy.

It is time to reclaim my life from cancer. I'll take that back, thank you very much! Cancer has been the focus of our lives for two years. The centerpeice at our table, the elephant in the room, the topics of our discussion. Cancer, cancer, cancer. It's time for that to change, and it will be a welcome change for us.

The first thing I will reclaim is my health. Since Brinley's diagnosis, I managed to put on 24 pounds. Twenty-four pounds!! That is more than I have ever weighed in my life! And so I avoid looking at mirrors, and pictures, anything that shows what I really look like. I mean, really, when you are trying to focus on saving your child's life, who the %!&@ cares what your backside looks like?! Right?? The saving her life thing, that kinda takes over...

I can't even describe the dark places we have been, and I was certainly last on the list of people to be taken care of (along with David, who tied for last place). So here goes.....I've already lost 18lbs, and plan to be back to my pre-cancer weight by the time Brinley is done with treatment (6lbs to go). Then I will have just a few more pounds to go from there. Why am I telling you this? Why am I not embarrassed to put it out there for everyone to see? Because I don't believe that a little extra weight makes me less of a human being. Why would any decent person think less of me because I gained 20lbs while my daughter was in treatment? (Notice I said DECENT person) And if the non-decent people do, so what? And because it makes me so happy to be in a position where I can exercise and take care of my body again, I wanted to share it. I love to exercise, and that part of my life was severely neglected, and I missed it so very much. So much that the first few times at aerobics, I was choked up because I was so HAPPY to be there! And I have some wonderful friends to walk with every day, exercise PLUS girl time, what more could I ask for!?

The second item of reclamation....(is that even a word? Dad?) MY HOUSE!! Cancer took over that in a jiffy too! Now that Brinley is in pre-school I actually have 6 hours a week to myself (naptime for Mylee) and that time will be used to put my house back to functional. It will be a process, piece by piece, but I'll get there. I know I'll always have my off days, but I am looking forward to "off" days as not being EVERY day.

Baby steps!! Those are the first two most important things I am working on. I am in a good place, a very good place. I feel like I'm recovering from a trauma. I suppose that is exactly what I am doing. Recovering, and reclaiming.