Okay, I am officially losing it. Selfish post....here goes....I CANNOT keep track of everything any more. This morning we had an appt with the ear doctor with Jade, then swooped over to clinic, working out pre-school rides and such, getting new calendars and new drugs to keep track of, and realized on my way home that I have to call our realtor about our house in Vegas (he has been waiting for our return call about a week now), the insurance company, who I pretty much talk to every day, grrrrr, that's another story, (and I really believe there is a special radar hidden in the phone that somehow gets a message to my kids to scream, or fight, or cry the minute I pick up the phone to make a call), our cars aren't registered yet and I am driving illegally (we registered them tonight, finally), Taylor has piano, and soccer tomorrow, and doesn't have indoor cleats that fit her yet (I promised her to have them by tomorrow so she doesn't have to wear shoes 2 sizes too small again), I have to go to the water district, I have to call our landlords, I have to balance our checkbook and pay the bills that are now surely late, work on the medical bills to figure out which ones are ready to pay, AND watch The Office (yes, David and I WILL watch the office tonight!!!) I could literally go on and on, but I think you get the point. In the process of thinking of all of this I get a phone call that went something like this:

Hello Kristin , this is Beverely with Dr so-and so's office.

Kristin: Oh, Hi Beverely.

Beverely: Are you on your way?

Long awkward silence.

Kristin: I'm sorry, what type of doctor is Dr. so and so? Because we are seeing oncologists, ear doctors, bone doctors, pediatricians, family practitioners, dentists, and so on, and that name means absolutely nothing to me.

Beverely: He's a heart doctor.

Kristin: OH! The heart guy!!

Beverely: You aren't coming, are you?

Kristin: No. (another awkward pause) I'm at the hospital getting chemo for my daughter, I guess I won't be making that appointment. I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah, please don't charge me the $50, I didn't know I made 3 appts in one day, why didn't I get a reminder call??, I know this is the second time I have been a no show, but please forgive me for being a complete flake. That's the way I roll these days. (I didn't REALLY say that last part)

And this is how my life is going. Parent teacher conference was full of apologies for not even meeting her teacher until that point, I could barely remember her teacher's name when I had to take her out of school for flu shots. I was lucky I made it to parent teacher conference at all. "I'm sorry, it's Sunday night and you have a book report due tomorrow? Good luck with that." Hmmmmm...And I'm going to have a baby. Oh my goodness, I will be in a coma by March, I'm sure of it.

Oh, and clinic went great, by the way. Brinley is actually liking going now, she played with the toys in the infusion room while getting her chemo and was happy as can be. The drugs for this phase will be vincristine (she's had that in the first phase, the one that causes her jaw pain and loss of appetite) and a new drug called methotrexate. Side effects: mouth sores, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, abnormal liver function, low blood counts. Each visit (every 10 days now) they will increase the dose of methotrexate until her body can't take any more and she crashes. They are trying to find the maximum dose they can give her before her body crashes, so they said it can get rough towards the end, depending on the kid. Hopefully Brinley will handle it all. I want to cry today, don't know why. She's truly happy and feeling well. But I still want to cry. Writing all of this like it's nothing....like it's normal. It's not normal. I thought in clinic how very ABnormal it is to be simply nodding my head as they are explaining that they will give her medicine that can cause liver damage, kidney damage, mouth sores, vomiting. And I am nodding my head saying okay, give it to her. And increase it every time to see when her numbers totally crash. What is wrong here? Cancer sucks. The docs are great, I love them for going to work every day to try to save lives, and I know they HAVE to do this to save Brinley's life, but cancer sucks. It really, really sucks.

12 comments:

Marion said...

Just to read all the things on your proverbial "plate" makes ME crazy. Can't imagine how you're keeping up and dealing with all of it. . . . Wish I could help with something more than fervent prayer.

Michael Powell said...

Kristin,

I know it doesnt mean much i fully believe you are one of the strongest people i know. I relize that doesnt help with everything but i will keep praying for you, Brinley, and your family.

Maryland Family said...

Awww Kristin dear, thank you for sharing your life and all its craziness (laughed and cried at the same time). It will definately get a bit more challenging before it eases up (now that's no comfort, I know. However, I am confident that you will keep plugging along with dignity because you have learned to laugh and love and appreciate the Lord's tender mercies. You are amazing and I have learned so much through your experiences.. thank you again for sharing!! Love, Aunt Lori

Anonymous said...

Kristin:

You don't know me, but we are relatives. Your mother is my cousin, and your grandmother Dorothy and my mother are sisters. I have been following your blog and sympathize with all you are going through. I am in the same valley as you, so I want to help you. Please contact me at gary.smith13@comcast.net so we can talk. Marilyn Smith

Ali said...

Well, I hope that once you said you were at the clinic where your daughter was undergoing a cancer treatment the receptionist on the other end of the line was a little more helpful/kind/forgiving. If not, I guess I know who I need to pray for tonight.

Sara said...

Oh, man...with all that on my plate I would be losing my mind, too! It would be hard trying to keep track of all those appt's! Everyone should be understanding with all you're going through right now...and if they're not, Oh well they're just mean then:) I'm glad Brinley is doing well! You guys are always in are prayers:)

Amy said...

oh. my. goodness.
You have a lot going on, on top of dealing with cancer- don't sweat the small stuff, you are doing a great job. Hope Brin has a good day today!

Ashley said...

Let those tears roll girl! I always feel better after a good cry.
As for the missed Doc appt's, they BETTER be cutting you some slack, OR ELSE.....!

Mom said...

I don't think they make calendars big enough for you! You need a secretary. Just do one thing at a time and keep a list of what you've done. You'll document that you are a human living a super-human life. Really- it sounds like there needs to be two of you to get it all done.

Very difficult to be in the situation of saying yes to things you would never do in order to save your child's life.

Love
Mom

Sole said...

Oh, Man!! You have a lot on your plate these days!!.. or shall we say platter! Something's gotta give, right? So don't worry about missed appointments and teachers you haven't met with, as long as your family's taken care of. It's good to let it out!! Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!!
Lots of love,
Sole

Fiona Mathews said...

You're great. Don't forget it!

adria said...

It isn't fair. There are times I get so sad and angry and depressed reading about long term side effects. It's a horrible thing to realize that you'll never really be "out of the woods" completely, that you will never go back to the life you had before cancer.

I don't know if you've had a lot of people offer to help out, but if you do...delegate some of that stuff! Have someone do your laundry, someone else buy soccer cleats, someone else make your phone calls.

Isn't it funny (ha ha) the way we are so much stronger than we believed? I was the one who used to be so glad that my kids didn't have health issues, because I knew it would be more than i could deal with. And yet here I am, taking things head on and still managing to get up each time and do it all over again.

Your family is in my prayers all the time.