Sometimes I just want to tell my kids how sorry I am for all that they are going through. It breaks my heart. So here it is:

Dear Brinley,

I'm sorry for all that has happened to you. I'm sorry I can't take it away. I'm sorry for all the times I have held you down for shots, or blood draws, or IV's, or dressing changes when you were screaming to stop. I'm sorry that you have cancer. I'm sorry that I have to force medicine that you hate into your mouth. I'm sorry that you feel sick and holding you doesn't make you feel better. I'm sorry that you don't have hair anymore and can't wear pigtails. I'm sorry that every time I do you sister's hair cute and you say "my turn!" I have to pretend you have hair to fix. I'm sorry that I have to look into your hopeful eyes and tell you you can't come with me, to the store, to church, to the soccer game, wherever I am going. I'm sorry that your sisters get to go to birthday parties and you have to stay home. I'm sorry that as your mother, the person charged with protecting you, I can't protect you from this. I'm sorry that I have to give you medicine that I know will make you sick. I'm sorry that I can't put a band aid on your tummy and make it feel better when you ask. I'm sorry that I can't take the good days and make them last forever. I'm sorry that I cry when I sing you songs at night. I'm sorry that at two years old, you have to be exposed to a world that is sad and scary and unknown, the world of cancer. I'm sorry that you don't understand. I'm sorry that I can't promise you when this is over you will be free from that world. I'm sorry that my love isn't enough to change what you are going through. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Love, Mom

Dear Jade,

I'm sorry you have to go through this change in our lives. I'm sorry that you don't get enough attention from me. I'm sorry that you have had to play by yourself, or watch TV, while I am taking care of Brinley. It isn't fair to you. I'm sorry that you think your sister hates you sometimes. I'm sorry that we have to stay home and not go to the library or do fun things we should be able to do. I'm sorry that at 4 years old, you have to try to understand about medicine and side effects, and why Brinley is acting the way she is. I'm sorry for all the gifts that Brinley has gotten while you wished you had gotten something too. I'm sorry for all the attention Brinley gets from everybody. I'm sorry that I'm not more patient. I'm sorry that I yell sometimes, it's not your fault. I'm sorry that I'm not a better mother. I'm sorry that this was thrown on us and everything is different. I'm sorry that you don't understand why. I'm sorry that sometimes I am too tired to read you a story before bed. I'm sorry that Brinley seems to always come first, I wish I could change things. I love you, and I'm so sorry.

Love, Mom

Dear Taylor,

I'm sorry that you are old enough to remember all of this. I'm sorry that so much of this falls on your shoulders. I'm sorry I expect so much out of you. I'm sorry David and I can't both be at all of your soccer games and tournaments any more. I'm sorry that I can't go on field trips with you, or help with your school parties or in your classroom. I'm sorry for all the days I am in bed and you are left to see yourself off to school because we have been up with Brinley. I'm sorry for all the plans that get dropped because we have to go to the emergency room. I'm sorry that I lose my patience when you haven't done anything wrong. I wish I was better. I'm sorry Brinley won't let you hold her, and screams at you when you come near her. I'm sorry that an 11 year old has to be introduced to cancer and be afraid for your sister. I'm sorry that we expect you to act older than you are. It isn't fair. I'm sorry if I am not there for you when you need me. I'm sorry I don't spend more time with you. I'm sorry for all the times I have put Brinley first. I'm sorry for all of the times people have asked about Brinley and not about you. I'm sorry we still have 2 more years of this. I would change it all if I could, I really would. I'm sorry that loving you to pieces isn't enough to change where we are right now.

Love, Mom


Anonymous said...

That's a lot of sorrys. As your mom, I'm sorry YOU are going through this, and that I can't be there to help you more.

Just do what you can. That is good enough. Your kids feel your love for them, even in the sorry times.

Kamille said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley said...

Children are so amazing. They love their parents even when we think they shouldn't, thank heavens.

etrhodes said...

Brin Brin is what we affectionately called our Brinley girl! Just wanted to leave a note from one mom to another that I am praying your family on today.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry too darlings.......I wish my love for all of you could love you out of this.

Unknown said...

oh kristen, this post just made me cry. i'm so sorry for what you're all going through - i can't imagine how hard it must be. you are all in our prayers every night.

Lidia said...

My dear Kristin,
I'm Grandpa David, and I'm thinking about your sorry. It is not a situation under your control. You and your kids had a preparation before to come to the earth to live and have the experience that you are living now. It is not your fault. I lo ve you with all my heart and of course I love my grand children too. It is our Heavenly Father plan and we know, every one of us know before to born on the earth, about the experience tha we'll have on this earth. I bealive that every one on your family are learning from this experiencia. It is no easy, it is hard, it is painfull, but after the storm the calm come, and a gold sun will delight your family and your own live and for sure, and I know with all my heart, Brin is an special Angel and she will be an special and important person in this life. Everithing will be right; life is not easy; you have not to sorry for this special situation, only take care on the responsability that God had gived to you and David. I'm taking with experience, I'm talking with conviction, I'm testifing on my Heavenly Father Plan. My young boy Ismael die when he was 2 yrs. old.
Lidia and me had take care for him and for the entire family. His funeral day was on Saturday. On Sunday I had to have interviews for tithing, because I was the Bishop. I had cry behind the door of my bishop office, just few minutes before my firs interview. But,....Ho am I to postpone my responsability on my Father business. I pray for help before to open the door, and the Spirit come to me and I star smiling to my brother on the first interview. I think, and I bealive, there is not room for a sorry, there is a time to teach and learn from the experience. David, my sweet older son, your husband, know perfectly about. I try to grow the best family I can with the hope to meet my Ismael, my little boy again on Heaven. There is not sorry, there is love, there is .....I don't know how to explain. It is your time to pass this dificult experience, and after it had gone, you will watch back and happiness will fill your soul becouse your sweet, humble and beautiful heart of mother you have. Kristin, you are so special, tears on my face show me how much I love you, and how much I love my grand doughters and my son David. I'm proud with him. Hi is much better father than I am. Please, don't sorry. Be strong, be happy, be the mother that you always are. Thank You for coming to visit us.David