I often feel very misunderstood. I don't know how to describe this feeling, it's just that not every person you talk to has a kid with cancer. It is such a big part of our lives and it can be hard to explain what it is like to my friends, family, acquaintances or strangers. I would just have to show you. And that isn't possible. Sometimes I am so angry and want to scream from the rooftops to everyone to help us find a cure. PLEASE! I know, I just know that if I could show you, it would change your life. I donated to childhood cancer once in a while before all this (St. Jude's before I knew about the other great places I prefer). If I could have seen into their lives somehow, it would have been much more and more often. And I would have cried with every donation I made, "PLEASE TAKE THIS MONEY AND FIND A CURE FOR THESE CHILDREN!" I simply didn't know. Now I know, I know what they go through. Not every child, but my child. I am left to my own imagination with the other kids I see or read about, but my imagination is more vivid because of the things I have seen with Brinley. So how do I make people see?

If I could just show you the way Brinley changed the first month of her diagnosis, the way she screamed each time we have held her down for something, her lifeless body each time we sedate her, the days and nights of rocking and singing to try and comfort when there is no comfort to offer, the scars she will have the rest of her life, the tears that have fallen from her eyes, and my eyes, and David's eyes each time there is something else to go through.

If I could just show you the way Avalon has suffered, with more than a dozen brain surgeries because of treatment. And show you her mother's heart, knowing this will NEVER ever end for her,

If I could just show you the way Serenity suffered, just like Brinley, with each treatment she had to endure for over 2 years,

If I could show you the things the Oldham's have seen as their daughter Abby lost her battle. Things I can't begin to imagine myself, yet know that they exist in their hearts and minds forever,

If I could just show you inside the mind of Anika's grieving mother, with nightmares of her daughters last days, the suffering that she could not stop, even with all the love a mother has to offer, (please go to her site for a very heart-wrenching description of the pain that is in her heart)

If I could just show you the life of the boy we met at the hospital 2 weeks ago, only a toddler, with a scar across his entire bald little head, beginning yet another round of chemo. Not just show you what he looked like, but take you inside his life, his suffering, to watch the pain cancer inflicts,

If I could show you these things, I am sure you would be right next to me, shouting along side me, this CAN'T be happening! We CAN'T allow it to happen! Not to children! Not to our kids! I am sitting here angry, crying, not knowing what to do with these emotions. And this happens often. How can this BE? Some people tell me I should not read about other kids, because it is so sad. And quite honestly, I don't always have time to keep up with all of them. But they are REAL. And yes, it makes me sad and angry. There is no denying that. But those emotions move me to action, and so I NEED to know about these kids. I know that it would be torture for me to watch a child suffer the way some of them have suffered, yet their parents, those who love them so much it hurts, have to stand by helplessly and watch. Once you see a grave injustice like that, you just have to do something. The same way someone who has watched children starve shout out to feed them! Feed them! They are hungry and we have food!

And so we plan a lemonade stand. We fight back somehow. We raise money. We give them what they need to BEAT this monster. I take those emotions and channel them into some kind of action. That is all I know how to do. And we can't do it alone. Please take the time to come to our stand. If you can't come, please take the time to donate online. Or give me a donation. Yes I am begging. But it is not for me. It is for the children. And so there is no shame in me begging for these children. Save them! They are making progress, but there are still children dying, and the medicines involve a great deal of suffering and side effects.

Our goal: $10,000. We can do it with your help. And then we will be closer. Closer to saying we won. We beat you and you can't touch our children any more.

To donate online: http://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/67204. Alex's Lemonade is a non-profit organization started by a four year old girl with cancer. She eventually lost her life to it, but they organization has raised over $30million for childhood cancer research. All proceeds from the stand will go directly to them to be put into grants for research.

**I will give an update this week! The quick version: we (ALL of us) could no longer tolerate the neurontin and requested her be take off. She has been so much nicer, and will be going into clinic on Thursday for chemo and another LP (chemo in her spine). We had one ER visit with a fever last week, not a big deal. Well, except for the $250 a pop for ER visits. Thank you for checking in!**


Wife Of A Salesman said...

Kick Cancers Butt!! Researchers are lucky to have your voice. Our family is excited to come to Brinley's "Lemonaid Stand". Thank you for your honest sharing. Emily C.

Deanne Hill said...

Kristin, I hope you know that we love you and your family so much and will do whatever we can to help you in this fight! Let us know what we can do for the lemonaid stand!

Kandice said...

Josh and I will be at your lemonade stand to help kick Cancer's butt! I hope Brinley's fight will be over soon and she can be the kid she hasn't been able to be.

mCat said...

Debbie Dewitt posted a great thought on cancer and I thought of you. I'm gonna go dig it out and be back with it.

I do have a ride the day of the lemonade stand, but I will make sure that me and the Diva's stop by.

mCat said...

What Cancer cannot do
It cannot invade the soul
suppress memories
kill friendships
destroy peace
conquer the spirit
shatter hope
cripple love
corrode faith
steal eternal life
silence courage

nsudburyfam said...

You're writing is amazing. It's hard to put the emotions into words, you did it perfectly.