I will resist the urge to talk lemonade and just give you an update on Brinley, with another one soon to follow on other stuff....

Brinley is having the worst round of chemo she has ever had. For some reason she is especially sick and it has been a very hard few days for her. It just breaks my heart, really. She won't play, she won't laugh. She just wants her mommy to hold her, and if I am not holding her, she is moaning at my feet. This morning was her last dose of steroids, so I expect tomorrow she will be starting to feel better.

I took her to aerobics with me and she just watched me with a frown on her face. A little girl tried to talk to her and she just ignored her and looked away. Then she laid on her jacket and watched the other kids play and have fun. I left early, and in a weak moment as we walked out, I said "it's not fair, is it?" I have never said that out loud to her before, and I probably never will again. I have always tried to get her through it without making her feel sorry for herself. But at that moment, that was all I had for her. It's not fair. I should count the times a day she tells me something on her hurts, or she doesn't feel good. It would be close to a hundred these last few days. Her head hurts, her stomach hurts, her legs hurt, her feet hurt, she feels like she is going to "puke". And all I can say is "I know", and give her a hug. This picture was taken today, and this is the sweet, sad little face I looked at all day.

One thing that has been sweet is that even though my girls fight A LOT, they come through for each other when it matters. Jade is a good little caretaker of her sister, asking me often how many more times Brinley has to get chemo. When Brinley got that high fever last week, the first thing Jade asked when she got home from school was "did Brinley have bacteria in her blood? Because I feel bad when she is really sick, and I don't want the bacteria to get in her blood." I knew she had thought about her sister that day. So sweet.

And then I start to think, this will all be a memory soon. It will get more and more distant. Only two more treatments. How will I manage to keep it there, fresh in my memory, so that I can continue to fight? I have to find a way.


Ashley said...

I think you have found a way! This blog, although it may always be painful to read, will be such a firm reminder. You've done such an amazing job of documenting everything and someday Brinley will be able to read it and really understand the storm you have all weathered. Love you guys.

Michelle said...

you can look back on this blog & your pictures... and all of us readers & prayer warriors can help. :-)