Brinley is feeling better this week, although the steroids seem to be lingering in the form of roid rage, Brinley has been really difficult the last day or two. I always start thinking it's "her", then two weeks after steroids are done she returns to her normal happy-for-the-most-part self. She is so excited to have only one treatment left. She keeps punching the air and saying "I BEAT cancer! I'm so tough!"


This post, however, will be about yours truly :) Me.

It's always hard to write about what I'm doing, I guess I figure you don't come here to hear about me. But I think this one is post-worthy.

It is time to reclaim my life from cancer. I'll take that back, thank you very much! Cancer has been the focus of our lives for two years. The centerpeice at our table, the elephant in the room, the topics of our discussion. Cancer, cancer, cancer. It's time for that to change, and it will be a welcome change for us.

The first thing I will reclaim is my health. Since Brinley's diagnosis, I managed to put on 24 pounds. Twenty-four pounds!! That is more than I have ever weighed in my life! And so I avoid looking at mirrors, and pictures, anything that shows what I really look like. I mean, really, when you are trying to focus on saving your child's life, who the %!&@ cares what your backside looks like?! Right?? The saving her life thing, that kinda takes over...

I can't even describe the dark places we have been, and I was certainly last on the list of people to be taken care of (along with David, who tied for last place). So here goes.....I've already lost 18lbs, and plan to be back to my pre-cancer weight by the time Brinley is done with treatment (6lbs to go). Then I will have just a few more pounds to go from there. Why am I telling you this? Why am I not embarrassed to put it out there for everyone to see? Because I don't believe that a little extra weight makes me less of a human being. Why would any decent person think less of me because I gained 20lbs while my daughter was in treatment? (Notice I said DECENT person) And if the non-decent people do, so what? And because it makes me so happy to be in a position where I can exercise and take care of my body again, I wanted to share it. I love to exercise, and that part of my life was severely neglected, and I missed it so very much. So much that the first few times at aerobics, I was choked up because I was so HAPPY to be there! And I have some wonderful friends to walk with every day, exercise PLUS girl time, what more could I ask for!?

The second item of reclamation....(is that even a word? Dad?) MY HOUSE!! Cancer took over that in a jiffy too! Now that Brinley is in pre-school I actually have 6 hours a week to myself (naptime for Mylee) and that time will be used to put my house back to functional. It will be a process, piece by piece, but I'll get there. I know I'll always have my off days, but I am looking forward to "off" days as not being EVERY day.

Baby steps!! Those are the first two most important things I am working on. I am in a good place, a very good place. I feel like I'm recovering from a trauma. I suppose that is exactly what I am doing. Recovering, and reclaiming.


8 comments:

Stacy said...

Wow Kristin - I had no idea you were losing so much weight! Way to go. That is so awesome. I guess we haven't seen you guys in a while. Marissa keeps asking if she can call Brinley. I always try to distract her because she is hard to understand on the phone sometimes. We should get together and let the girls play soon. I am so glad that you are feeling good. That is just wonderful!

Ali said...

Let me know when you are ready to detox the house again. I'm always open for a few days of heavy cleaning, organizing and clearing out. I'd really love to find a way to celebrate with you and this is something I can actually DO for you and with you so start checking you calendar....

Melanie said...

Go Kristin! I can hear the rocky music now...

Amanda said...

Congratulations on your declaration to a Cancer Free Home! I have to admit I cried a little reading this, because I relate to you so much. I have so far put on about 20lbs of cancer weight. Scratch that, I was never given the opportunity to lose my baby weight since Austin was 4 months old when Millie was diagnosed, so I have about 20lbs of extra weight sitting on my thighs. My house is always in turmoil and I am so overwhelmed by it, but there is not time. What time I do have is spent thinking CANCER, whether it's about another cancer family, Millie, hospital visits, or do I need more sanitizer, my world is CANCER. I am so happy for you that you are going to be FREE of this. Congratulations and Thank you for giving me Hope to a future that may be far away, but is out there somewhere. One day I will reclaim my life too.

CONGRATULATIONS TO BRINLEY TOO! YOU BEAT CANCER! :)

Carina said...

Whoot Whoot! I am so glad you are a part of the walking group. The more inspiraiton the better! Congrats on the 18lbs. I am assuming your weigh in was incredable!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever have spring in october? This is one for you and your family. Congrats for the succes loosing weigth. You will do it!!!Love Lidia

nsudburyfam said...

Is that what caused me to gain so much weight??? I never even thought of it, but I'm WAAAAAY heavier than I have ever been. You've motivated me now!

Congratulations! I'm excited that you guys are so close to the finish line!

Sole said...

Congratulations on your weight loss!! I'm so excited for you guys to start a new part of your lives, cancer free!! You are the woman, keep up the good work!! WOOOHOOO!!