Brinley just finished up her last dose of steroids this morning. She has been very sick this time. On Friday, Brinley's cancer sister, Serenity, came to see us. Cancer families understand the fear that the word relapse brings, and they came over to visit us the very next day. It was so nice, Brinley played the entire time and was so happy to have friends over. It gave me a nice distraction and an understanding ear to listen to my ramblings. Thanks Burns family!


By that night the chemo was hitting her pretty hard, and the rest of the time has been really awful. She is certainly feeling worse this time than she normally does, which of course, makes me very nervous. I thought I would be distracted enough to wait this week out, but it has not worked out how I had planned. I am still busy, but I just can't get the thought of her cancer coming back out of my head. It's like one of those annoying creepy people who follow you around staring you in the face no matter what direction you turn. Everywhere I turn cancer is staring me down and I can't shake it. If that were literal, believe me, I would have punched that cowardly disease square between the eyes by now. And it would not be a girly punch, oh no.

We have been rocking nonstop, and anything and everything on her hurts. Her legs, her back, her tummy, her head. I can't wait until tomorrow, with her last dose of dex today, to see if she perks up a little. If she doesn't my already panicked heart will be in my throat until we get that test done and over with. I want the famous Brinley smile back, this is pretty much all we've gotten lately....it is so hard to watch it.



We were able to go visit my grandmother today too. There is something so calming about being at her house and talking with her. It was really lovely, she is an amazing woman who has had her share of heartache. I wish we could have stayed longer than we did.

The weather this week is going to be terrible and I am so frustrated. (Not just because of the stinky old weather.) I want my old life back. I was sitting outside the other day and overheard a conversation between a husband and wife about going to do something fun. They were holding hands and trying to decide when to do it. Then they started discussing a trip they had recently taken. Then I turned the other way and heard a conversation about planning a wedding, and getting invitations out on time. I tried to remember what it was like when I felt carefree like that. Jealousy is the wrong word for what I felt, because it gives the impression there were negative feelings towards these people. It was more like longing. I wanted so badly to be in that place again, to be in a place where my head doesn't feel like it is about to explode half the time. I was so happy for them, and wondered if they knew how lucky they were, and how badly I wanted to be in that happy place.

I had a heart to heart with the Lord on my knees after that, wanting so badly to not be sad anymore. These few days have been really hard. He answered my prayers with this understanding: This is my season to have difficulties. All the people I see around me who are in a good place right now, this is their season to have joy. I will be there again in due time, I know I will. I just need to get through the difficulties. I look at people in my life, and I know some of the trials they have faced. Oh, I imagine how their hearts ached when they went through those things. And then they moved on, with time, sometime with A LOT of time, to a happier place. I just have to be patient and keep my complaining to a minimum. It was kind of a "suck it up soldier, you'll get your chance!" answer to my prayers, in a more kind, gentle way, if that makes sense. On top of that, I got the reminder in my thoughts that there are some pretty amazing things in my life right now. I mean really, really amazing things I would not even recognize were it not for this experience. Oh, I love tender mercies. Bursts of joy in the hardest of times...

I will post as soon as I have any answers on Thursday. Her appointment to have the procedure to check her bone marrow is at 2:30, and I don't know how soon I will have any answers. Please keep us in your prayers that this is not a relapse....




5 comments:

Stacy said...

Love you all.

LaAna said...

Once again your words of honesty and truth put life into perspective. The good with the bad, the joy with the pain - such is this life's journey. Your strength gives me strength and I pray that your day of care free, cancer free, happiness comes sooner rather then later to you and your beautiful family, but until then we are praying for you.

Kristine said...

I can't imagine going through what you have this past year. I'm so sorry to hear that she is having an especially hard time this round. I'll be praying on Thursday and I hope your week gets a little better!!

Adria said...

I was hoping that we didn't wear you guys out and I'm sorry for leaving your house a disaster. The kids had so much fun & it was great to see you.

We are praying harder than ever for sweet Brinley and I hope you have some answers on Thursday. Your testimony always, always uplifts and inspires me to greater things.

Much love to you all.

susi and adam said...

We will keep praying of course!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing.....we love you guys!