"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of the hard work you already did." Newt Gingrich

The good: We are still reeling about the fact that Brinley has probably not relapsed. We had gone over the situation a million times in our heads and to not have to face that is beyond a relief. We have not received the final results yet, we should have them by Monday afternoon. As long as they match the preliminary results....that is the good news. We went to a fun family place and celebrated prematurely. The kids rode rides and played games and had a blast. It was great to seem them smile and laugh so much. Brinley said her knees are feeling better now. Just her back and her pubic bone are giving her the most trouble now.

The bad: We still need to get to the bottom of the pain. She was on oxycodone yesterday and had a decent day. When we got home from Jungle Jim's, Brinley asked for some oxycodone because her back was hurting, but since it was right before bed, I distracted her enough to just get her to sleep. She can be so silly and giggly one minute, then crying in full on tears the next. That is usually the sign she is in pain, she melts down over very trivial things. Brinley is having an MRI on Monday at 6:30am, so I hope we will have some answers by Monday afternoon. Pray it goes well with no problems, she will be sedated yet again for the MRI.

The ugly: Oh, well, the ugly is pretty much me. The cold hard reality is I am sure struggling with the shoes I am supposed to fill. I can't even wrap my brain around the things that need to get done and my inability to get to anything. It is overwhelming. It is so difficult to deal with all of this, but what can I even do but put on a smile and persevere.

Except for my little meltdown this morning. Okay, not little meltdown, big meltdown. I don't often have meltdowns, but there was NO stopping the river that was built up behind my eyeballs. It was like someone released the dam and no matter how hard I tried, holding it back would have been like throwing up a stick against a river rapid, not gonna stop it....so I was quickly shooed out of the house by my wonderful husband to spend a couple hours alone. It is amazing what a couple of hours can do for the nerves. I wiped off my raccoon eyes so I didn't startle the rest of the world, and hit the town. Okay, I got myself a dress for church and some crafts for the kids that I have been meaning to stock up on, if you call that hitting the town. It felt marvelous, and I am pulling myself together for this next round against stupid cancer. What can I do, quit?? That quote in the beginning really hit home for me. I am in the second round of hard work, and it is wearing me down. I am getting to the point of asking the Lord to take this burden for me, and I know that He will. He did it in Induction, the first and most difficult month of her treatment. I would go to bed and cry every single night that I couldn't get up the next day and do it again. I was sure of it. And He helped me get up the next day and do what needed to be done.

I realize how selfish this part of the post sounds, and I am aware that this is not about me and my difficulties. It is most certainly about Brinley, but cripes, this woman's gotta vent. This is stinkin' hard. A year and a half of this has felt like an eternity. I can only imagine what it has been like for Brinley. She is the one hurting. I think much of the frustration comes from helplessness. When will science figure out a way to suck the pain out of your children to put it in you? Can we get on that please? My girl is hurting...

I will update on Monday when we have some more news. THANK YOU for checking in!!!


Stacy said...

I don't know what to say but that we love you all.

Rochelle said...

So glad that Brinley probably hasn't relapsed. Praying hard for her pain and for her mama. I can't imagine the battle any of you are fighting. I know that when one of my children have a fever for a few days I am so ready for it to be over. I can't imagine a year and a half. God will take care of you. I've heard it said He gives you grace for the moment you need it and I know He will. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I'm so glad I can pray for you.
Rochelle Sanderson

Kristine said...

I don't think you're being selfish at all! My gosh, you're a mom with a sick child. I can't imagine how difficult the day-to-day worries and on top of that...all of medical appointments must be. It sounds like you're doing a very good job and breaking down every now and then is an important part of processing it all.

susi and adam said...

Vent all you want !!!! I will keep Brinley in my prayers tomorrow......:)