Well, happy day, the cast is off!! Ahhhhhh, this should make things much easier. Now we just have to wait for her to get the muscles toned enough to walk again, it might take a week or so. She was a little nervous getting it cut off, but now she keeps pointing to her leg saying "off!" I bet it feels good to not have that big, bulky thing on any more. On our way out of the hospital, we stopped by the clinic to see if they would look at her central line. It was looking red around the tube, and I was worried she was getting an infection on it. They looked at it for us and decided they better take a culture to make sure there isn't an infection. Apparently infection in one of the main causes of death of patients, since their bodies can't fight it off real well, and with her ANC so low, I am really nervous all the time. So they will call us when the culture results come back, and if it is infected they will get her going on an antibiotic right away. They said it's not a huge deal if it's just on the outside of her line, but if it gets to the inside of the line, it can be problematic and difficult to clear up. That put us at the hospital all morning, poor David is missing way too much work (I guess I should say poor David's boss instead) so hopefully nothing else will come up. He feels really bad when he misses work.

I really should be cleaning since I have a minute, but it's so hard to find the time to write, I just wanted to take advantage of it, so I will turn a blind eye to the house for a minute. I've been thinking a lot lately about.......you guessed it ......why? WHY? WHY? For ME to learn something? Why can't I just suffer then? Why this way, through my child? Who is this trial for? Brinley? Us? Here's what I came up with. I don't know. And it doesn't matter right now. I remember thinking in the hospital when Brinley was enduring so much pain, that I wanted to take it away from her so badly (and still do). I wanted to stop them from doing any more to my poor baby girl. I'm her mother, I'm responsible for protecting her. That comes naturally. Which brings me to my next point, I can see the big picture that she is not able to see or understand. I can see that if I took away all the pain she was going through, more pain was to come and she would be worse off than what she was then. The only way I CAN protect her in this situation, is to allow her to suffer through it. She, of course, doesn't understand that, but I knew that if that pain was taken away, she would not live. My heart aches for her pain, but she must endure it to survive. What I CAN do for her is stay by her side, hold her in my arms, comfort her, whisper to her that I love her and that she will be okay. I guess our trials in life, the things we are asked to endure, are kind of the same thing. We don't always get to see the big picture like Heavenly Father does, we just know that He knows more than we do and that the things we have to endure will be for our good. I DO know that he loves me and only gives me what will somehow make me better. And I know that He loves Brinley too. I also know that when we are in pain, His heart aches for us, just like mine aches for Brinley. He is our parent. Even though he can't take it away, He knows we must go through it, He is there to hold me, and comfort me, and tell me He loves me, and I have no doubt about that. I have felt it like never before these last few weeks. And I know He is doing that for Brinley too. So although I ask WHY? quite often, I know that it doesn't really matter. How I would love to see the big picture that He sees, so that I can understand, but then where would faith fit in? So we endure the best we can and pray that we will come out better for it. And be grateful that we have someone up there who loves us and can see everything we cannot see, and will do what is best for us in the long run. That's all we can do right now. Endure.

5 comments:

Ashley said...

Like you say, it's hard to see the big picture because you are in survival mode right now. Think of all the people that you will meet in your life that you will be able to help when they go through the same thing. Your family is being pulled together so tight to get through this and the lessons that you and Dave, not to mention Taylor and little Jade, are getting through this are for you guys and for all of us as well. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Darlings!! Kristin, you just keep out doing yourself with these incredible thoughts that we are so privledged to be sharing with you. Please don't hesitate to share ok. Yeah that the cast is off!!!!!:) Family hug for Aunt Nancy please ;)...........Of course I have much more to say on this last post, but would rather speak to you.Love & tons of hugs.......Love, Love you all..families can be together forever you know .....feeling the blessings of that right now big time.....Thanks again for sharing

JohnH said...

I heard Heavenly Father talking through you just now, Kristin. The lessons we're ALL supposed to learn from this are being taught every day by your example and your inspired words. There's no doubt your are being guided and watched over. I keep thinking I can't feel any more love for you and your family, then you take it to another level. Thank you. I love you.

And I haven't see ONE misspelling or grammatical error!!! :)

Peggy said...

Kristin - I am so excited that the cast is finally off.....another big step for our little Brinley. As I read what you posted today (great job, as usual), I was reminded of Taylor when she was very small singing her song "I am a Child of God". I don't know all the verses, but remember something like, "He's given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear", and together with what you posted, really brings us (those that can't be with you there) closer to you and your situation, especially when you talk about your responsibility to protect Brinley. I think Brinley is right where HE wants her to be.

Keep up the great work on this blog, and know that we will continue to ask Heavenly Father to lead and guide you every step of the way.

Love and Prayers,
Harry & Peggy Purvis & the clan in Northeastern Montana :)

LoriOrr said...

Wow, Kristin, that was really amazing. Such a great lesson to be learned! Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us. Your faith through everything has been such a testimony builder to me. THANK YOU! I love you!