If you are looking for a good uplifting post today, stop reading right now, because you won't find it here. Today has been one of the bad days that we know we will have. I'm not going to pretend that every day we feel blessed and ready for this fight. Today, I want it to end. I want it to go away. I want cancer out of our lives. I want to throw in the towel, even though I know that isn't an option. Last night, Brinley was up at least every hour, if not more, so I think the fatigue has something to do with my feelings today. I'm just not up to being strong, and pressing forward. Everyone says that our family will become closer and stronger from this, but all I feel is a wedge between each member of our family right now. I feel like it's pushing up farther apart instead. I don't know how to bring it back, I can't pull anything out of my magic hat to make it better. I feel like every member of our family has to give 200%, but there is not 200% to give. So we are all falling short, and there is no reserve to pull from. I feel like we are being pushed to the max, and frankly, sometimes we just aren't making it. What's funny, is that for it being what it is, Brinley is actually doing really well. She hasn't had anything major go wrong, we haven't had to make any emergency trips to the hospital, etc. But she is still having poison going into her body, and no matter how "well" she does, that doesn't change. She feels sick all the time because of that. I really hate cancer. I hate how it snuck it's way into our family and is trying to tear us apart, and we are grasping to keep things together. Everyone is emotional and on edge and I am wondering when the "this will make the family stronger" will come in. The fact of the matter is that this is a terrible thing to go through. I'm not seeing the good in it today, and I don't want to go through it ANY MORE. I want it out of our lives and I want my happy family back.

Before everyone starts freaking out and thinking we are not making it, please know that tomorrow is a new day, and we have different feelings each day, and I think this is completely normal. We can't possibly be expected to have a good positive attitude every day, so just let us have this bad day and chalk it up to just that - a bad day. We'll start over tomorrow and things may be quite different. This is how I feel today, and I won't pretend this is a walk in the park that we are thankful for right now. This is hard. But I know it gets better, I have been doing a lot of reading from people who have already gone through it, and that helps a lot. The main message I get over and over is that this gets better. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Maybe tomorrow I will be thankful. Maybe tomorrow I will see the silver lining. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up ready for the fight with my boxing gloves on. Let's hope so. I AM thankful, however, that David has enough insight to see when I am not making it, and he picks up the slack for me. He doesn't have to ask, he just knows, and I love him for giving an extra push in himself when he sees that I don't have anything left. I am looking forward to tomorrow, a new day. I am going to the Relief Society conference tonight, maybe something will uplift me, I sure as heck need it!!

10 comments:

Stacy said...

I hope that tomorrow is a better day Kristin! Hang in there. You are loved. And I hope conference lifted you up - it did me!

Ali said...

I think if tomorrow is a bad day as well, let it be. You don't have to pretend that everything is good or that you are just being thankful. We all know you are thankful for the little things and I think you deserve some venting time...every day if need be. This sucks and you deserve to say it, often if you need to.

Anonymous said...

Hi Darlings....I was feeling quite helpless while reading today's post until the end when you said you were going to watch that incredibly uplifting message today from our beloved church leaders. I am comforted to know you will be feeling better soon. Love you and let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do....love & hugs Aunt Nancy

Marion said...

I have no words, so just consider yourself hugged (REALLY tight!) and with lots of love, Marion

JohnH said...

Oh, my dear sweet Kristin. My heart aches for you and your precious family. Of course you will make it through this, but the awful weight of the journey is hard to watch sometimes but not nearly as hard as enduring it. Like you, I want to just wave a wand and take this all from my little girl. But we're not in charge, except for how we handle the burdens we are given. Thank you for your honesty. I know it's hard, but like you said, every day is a new opportunity to take a deep breath, stand up straight and move on. Thank you, David, for being the man you are. You two couldn't be a better pair to take this on. My prayers and thoughts are with you every day, every hour.

Ashley said...

BIG hug from the Lundquist clan too.

Anonymous said...

Oh hon,

As I said on the ALL kids list, I remember well the beginning and the social workers telling us that we'd get used to the "new normal" and just wanting to scream out, "I liked the OLD normal, thank you very much!!!"

It is so hard. It is harder than anything you have ever experienced in this lifetime. I remember well the oceans of tears cried, the feeling that if I could only take the cancer from my child and have it myself....

I'm sure you are feeling similar feelings. And yes, it does drive a wedge....how can it not? You will have battle scars on your heart. Take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour...you will get through it.

Many hugs,

Marie
www.caringbridge.org/visit/marielle

Anonymous said...

Our family is sure praying for your family everyday. I know this is a terrible time to be enduring. It's O.K. to have bad moments. This too shall pass. We love you, Rick and Julie Magness

adria said...

I am reading posts backward, from newest to older. So I am reading this and remembering that overwhelmed feeling and like our family was falling apart from neglect, and I am struck by how different your most recent posts are. It is so true that there are great blessings that come along with this trial in our life. Leukemia is not something I would ever ever ask for, but it has been good to recognize that some good things have come from it.

Jacob said...

Your post just breaks my heart. I'm so glad to know that things are better for you, for your family and for Brinly now...but it all sounds so familiar. You wrote every emotion in my heart that I have also felt over and over through those first few agonizing weeks after Jacob's diagnosis. A friend of mine posted a song to my fb page during that time...it's called "Just Let Me Cry". Yep, uncontrollably crying all the way through it, the song managed to help me feel better and realize it was ok for me to feel that way. Here's a link if you haven't heard it: http://youtu.be/zt0BKDOe3x0 ...thank you for sharing this. I'm a new "follower" of your blog now :)