I've been thinking about this experience and have been doing a lot of self-evaluation. What is okay to feel? Is it okay to feel angry sometimes? Is it okay to feel afraid? Is it normal to not just be okay with all of this? Is it wrong to look at a 2-year-old and wish that mine was normal too, and could do normal things, as simple as walking? Or going into a grocery store without a mask on? What feelings show a lack of faith on my part? Sometimes I want to say "listen, I hate this, and I'm gonna say it, and it doesn't mean I don't have a testimony or that I lack faith in God's plan, or any of that, it just means that this is DANG HARD, and I don't like it one bit!" (Can you picture me stomping my foot with that one too??) I mean, is that okay?? I hate to admit this for fear of sounding totally weak, but I'm not one to take on hard things just to prove to myself or anyone else I can do hard things. I don't have a magnet on my fridge that says "I Can Do Hard Things!" (sorry Mom, I DO love your magnet) I like life to be pleasant. I will absolutely stick to my standards, and that can be hard, and I do the things that I KNOW are important, and they can be hard. I have always accepted callings in the church, some have been pretty scary and hard. But I guess what I'm saying is I'm not one to lobby for PTA president, or RS President, or any of that hard stuff. I like things nice and simple. Ahhhhhh. The good life.

Okay, now that I've made myself out to be totally pathetic, I'll move on. I told my Sunday school class on Sunday (16-17 year old kids) that had I NOT built a testimony on faith in God and His plan, and a made a solid foundation of faith during the "easy" time of my life (which I consider to be everything up to this point, I've had struggles, but they look quite easy now...lol) I would have absolutely crumbled. Although I will admit this is so very difficult, FAITH is what is carrying me through. I have had moments where I just want to get in my bed so that I can just cry until my head hurts and nobody will see me, and feel like they have to hug me or comfort me. I have had moments where I have thought this was absolutely unbearable to watch happen to my daughter, and my heart has broken into a million pieces, I mean my heart has literally HURT. I have felt pain like I have never felt in my life. Yet, I have NEVER, NEVER, NEVER lacked faith in a LOVING Heavenly Father who KNOWS what I am feeling, and who knows what I need to do and what I need to go through. So while I don't seek out hard things, they will no doubt come my way, and I will get through them through faith in the Lord, who suffered unbearable pain so that he could understand mine and comfort me through my pain that pales in comparison. And while at times, not ALL the time, but sometimes, my prayers may sound like a child unwillingly doing their chores (I don't wanna do it!!!), I know without a doubt that we will come through this better, and stronger, and even if things don't go the way I would like them to, even if I do pray for things to go MY way, I have no doubt in my mind that God will do what is best for us, no matter how painful it may be at the time, and I completely put my faith in Him, 100%. There you have it. Getting through this, it's all about faith.

Now that I've talked all about ME and MY feelings, (me,me,me,me,me,me, lol) I'll give a quick update on Brinley. She was a happy girl today, her personality is really shining through. I'm so proud of how tough she is being, and how dang cute she is chubby and bald. She's eating well, and her rash is pretty much GONE! Yay! She keeps pointing to it and smiling, saying "owies, gone, owies, gone, medicine!" Yep, medicine is her new best friend, she is surrounded by it. She's doing pretty well with the 6MP, although I think it makes her nauseous. She has been dry heaving a lot, but has not thrown up, so we'll see what happens there. Taylor and Jade are both getting sore throats in Phoenix, bad news for us. They come back tomorrow and we will have to be psycho hand washers until they are feeling better. Brinley and I have been able to spend some time with some family, my Aunt Nancy and my sis Melanie, and that's helped pass the time while we are stuck inside. She's sleeping all night for the most part, and things are going quite well. I think aside from all the sedation for the spinal taps (we'll have one Monday) this will be a decent phase. Pray that it stays this way!


Anonymous said...

Ok Kristen Darling this is about you,you,you, because you, you, you, are doing a phenomenal job at what feels like you "don't know" what you are supposed to do or feel for sure right now. I can testify to anyone reading this blog that "my" problems and pains & whatever I felt was so wrong with my life today after spending 4 1/2 glorious hours with sweet, funny,adorable,funny,delightful,strong,did I mention funny? Inspiratinal Brinley changed all of my frowns to smiles. What a blessing it is for her to have the parents she has to get her through this.Thank you Kristen for letting me partake of one of your better days of late and I will be there for the bad ones too! Sorry for the long blog but I have to recommend the joy of feeling that sweet little spirit sitting on your lap and smiling at you to make you laugh..well, I just can't describe the peace & joy I am still feeling from today.love & hugs
Aunt Nancy

Matt & Jen Hanks said...

You're so amazing, Kristin. I know the price is high, but the lessons you are teaching us eternal and so valuable. You have the faith of Job and a pretty good idea of what he must have gone through. But through it all, like you, he never lost faith. And in the end, he was returned happiness many times greater than before. That's the hope he gives us as we keep the faith. Hang in there.

John Hanks said...

oops...that last comment was mine. I didn't realize Jen's account was still open on my computer. But I'm sure Matt and Jen feel the same way.

Anonymous said...

OK, so you are human. Nothing wrong with that. It's OK to be scared, and angry and sad and frustrated, and to look at other two year olds and wish yours was back to normal - that's all OK. That is what life is all about. Even Christ asked for the cup to be removed from Him.

One thing I can promise you is that the time will come when it will be over, and you will be back to normal, only it won't be the same normal becasue you will have grown and your perspective will have changed, and you will see life with a more appreciative lens, and you will have more faith and trust in God. (And you will put a magnet on your frig that says you can do hard things.) :)

To paraphase one of my favorite sayings - To remove the sorrow from life, one would also have to remove the love.

So allow your human feelings, and realize that you will come out ahead.

Love, Mom

Anonymous said...

Kristen...I am reading a book titled, "The Road Less Travelled," and in the first chapter the first thing the author states..."Life is difficult." He goes on to say, "Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

"Life is a series of problems."

When I read those things, along with many more sayings like those, I started to feel better about my own situation. I know our situations are very different, but once I realized that life is difficult, it started to get easier. Don't think I am saying your life is easy, because it's not.

Someone in RS yesterday said she was grateful for her problems/trials because she wouldn't be able to handle other people's problems/trials. I love you girl. You're an awesome person, mother, and friend. Hang in there.

Ashley said...

Feel what you are feeling girl! Heavenly Father loves you and he is expecting you to be mad and sad and bitter and scared and hurt. No way does that mean you are low on faith.