Since this week is going so well from the break in the chemo, I thought I'd write a little of what I'm feeling. It's been a blessing to be able to think outside of the storm, I feel like we've been given a calm, and although I don't know how long it will last, I am grateful for every SECOND of it. Things look different when I'm not standing in the middle of the storm, and I love having a better perspective on things. I just picture our family coming outside the house after a tornado and looking around to see sunlight and birds chirping. Kind of a funny picture, but that's how I feel. I don't know if it will last after next week, but that is okay, because it has shown me that through this long process, we will have ups too, not just downs. And this "up" have been incredibly full of joy and happiness. I can't believe the happiness I am feeling in this period, and I know I would not get to experience this much joy without having experienced so much pain this last month. I would not be brought to tears by seeing my kids be kind to each other, or hearing laughter in our house again if we hadn't had all the heartache last month. That's just the way it works. The greater the pain, the greater the joy. The greater the sorrow we experience, the greater the happieness we can experience. So we are just basking in the joy right now, not thinking about what is ahead of us.

One of the blessings I've seen in this trial: I have found so much joy in just plain motherhood. I say just plain motherhood because that's how people look at it sometimes. Oh, you're just a mom? No job? No income? No outside life? Yes, just a mom. And I love it. I'm so lucky to be home with my kids. I know there was a time when I had to work, and Taylor and I made it just fine, but this is where I belong. This is where I have always belonged. With my babies. I truly hope I am not offending anyone with this, because I know that we all do what we have to do, and it just works better for some people to be working, and I would defend all working mom's tooth and nail, since I have been there too, and don't think I was any less of a mother then than I am now. I would have died for my daughter then too. But for anyone who says I should be out working right now, helping with the income (we sure could use the extra income right now!) I would say, "What?? And miss my kids laughing when they cut animal shapes out of play dough today?? Are you crazy, I wouldn't miss that for the world!!" I love being a full time mommy, and although there are days when David comes home when I am about ready for the nut house, I mean REALLY ready for it, there is also nothing that gives me more joy than taking care of my kids and being here with them all day, sick or healthy, laughing or crying, tantrums or hugs. I'll take it all.

Today I am thankful. Thankful for this life that we have been given to experience, thankful that we get to experience the feelings of love, and happiness, and pain, and sorrow, and comfort. Thankful that God sends us tender mercies during our struggles, and that he lifts us up when we cannot stand on our own. Thankful that Brinley was sent to our family to bless us. Thankful for Taylor and the young woman she is becoming. Thankful for Jade and her sweet, tender heart. Thankful for David and the amazing man that he is. For our parents and siblings and sibling-in-laws and the love that they show us. Thankful for the beauty that surrounds us every day, that we sometimes pass by without even a glance. Thankful for the plan of salvation that was put into place so that IF Brinley were taken from us on this earth, we would be reunited with her again after this life.

Yeah, yeah, sappy stuff, but we all get sappy sometimes, right!!!

As for my Brinley today, still happy to have no meds going into her, she's been talking, laughing, and smiling most of the day. (She IS a 2-year-old, after all, so I can't expect that ALL day!) She is at least starting to crawl, although she isn't walking yet. I've seen her try to use her legs, and I can tell they just aren't strong enough yet. We've been trying to get her to use the muscles to build them back up, and she'll push herself around on her little train toy, so I hope that is helping a bit. She has turned into a chubby little thing! Since off the steroids, the cravings have calmed down and she'll eat a variety of things, but her appetite is still shocking us. That's fine though, because I know there are points in the treatment when she'll lose her appetite completely. So a little reserve will do her some good. If only we could shift some of that appetite onto Jade, the 4-year-old, who has a fit if we even mention the word "dinner"! Brinley still looks so different to me, but I love kissing her chubby cheeks and her bald head. It's probably quite annoying to her, but, hey, I can't help it.

2 comments:

WendyK (all-kids list) said...

Ohh how I miss kissing that little bald head. How strange is that to hear lol?

Enjoy those play-doh moments, zoo discoveries, and the many other joyous moments that are sure to come. They grow up so fast!

Sole said...

The day I came home from SLC, it rained all the way to St. George, and it made me think of you guys for that reason. Sometimes it would pour so hard I could hardly see out of the windshield, but then it would slow down to a sprinkle. Before I knew it, it was pouring again! I thought to myself this must be how David and Kristin's lives feel right now. One moment it's quiet, the next you're in the middle of the storm. But the sunshine came, 5 hours later, but it eventually came and I came out of it with a lot of appreciation for sunlight and I was ok!(aside from my speeding ticket!). You might still have to endore the rain for a little longer, but you know that your sunshine will come. It makes me so happy to see that you're having a good day and that you know that these are the tender mercies of the Lord. I came home having learned so much from you, Kristin, and even Chance mentioned that I came home a little different! So thanks for that and for your inspiring thoughts.
Love you guys!
Sole