2/17/10 - I Don't Know

I'll give a quick update on Brinley first off. We talked to clinic this morning, and since they are convinced it is viral, we don't have to go to the ER with a fever today, which is a very good thing, since it appeared again tonight. She felt pretty good all day (coughing like crazy though), but started to feel sick again before bed, and just woke up coughing and with a fever. They did say if she seems worse, of course, to bring her in. If the fever is there tomorrow, they will want to see her in clinic. The fevers seem to come at night, so I have the feeling if she gets one it will be after hours, bummer for us. That would be another ER visit.

When things get rough around here, my emotions get high. I seem to need to blog more when my emotions run wild so let the blogging begin.

I am sitting here alone, like so many other times, David had to go back into work because of missed hours this week. I will start by telling you that the unknown sometimes creeps it's way into my thoughts and gets the best of me. This is one of those times. You will hear me say so often that Brinley will be in treatment until November, then we are done. Wooohooo! Or are we? Yes, you can give me all the positive comments, encouragement, etc. that you want, but you know as well as I do that we just don't know. Let's be truthful for just a minute here. The cancer can come back. That is a fact. Statistics show about a 20% chance of relapse. 1 in 5. It isn't a pretty thought, but geez, cancer isn't pretty. It's very ugly actually.

Honestly, I believe we will be done in November. But oh my gosh, what if we are not? There is a knot that surfaces in my stomach every time I let myself go there. What if we are not to bid farewell to cancer forever in November? It can come back in a year. In two. Whenever those blasted cells can find a way to mutate, they can come back. I just don't know.

In life, we are so fearful of what we don't know. I am also GRATEFUL for what we don't know. I don't WANT to know if it's going to come back. The only way for me to live life to the fullest is to not know. You see, if I knew for certain it would NOT come back, I would never appreciate my good days, because I would have the knowledge that we would have endless good days, so it wouldn't matter so much. Those good days would not have as much meaning. How do you appreciate a glass of water when you have an endless stream of drinking water at your fingertips? Not knowing makes me thankful for those days that are so good because I don't know how many we will get. If I knew for certain the cancer WOULD come back, my hope would be lost, and losing hope is one of the most awful things to happen to a person. So we live with hope, being GRATEFUL for the unknown, and allow those thoughts to sneak in, but not take over. Some may say to keep those "what if's" out, because they allow fear in. I disagree. Those thoughts allow me to be grateful for the days that we have together, because none of us truly know how many we have. So long as those fears are in check and don't take over my life, I think not knowing is a blessing.

Another reason I am grateful to not know is because it allows me to rely on the Lord, because I know that HE knows, and I trust Him completely. I know that whatever happens, He is in control, and that is comforting. I can willingly accept that. I believe in a God that knows me personally. I believe in a God that comforts and heals. I am realistic, I know this life is supposed to be painful. We grow through our pain, so I don't think for one minute that I will not have pain if only I will do what is right. I believe bad things happen to good people. I know that little innocent children get cancer. Why? One of the questions on my list to ask.....but I believe that good people who suffer will be blessed beyond measure in the next life. I have faith in that. So we trudge through the unknown, and as my Grandma Hanks would say, "pull up our boot straps" and keep moving. And smell the roses on the way.

The founder of HopeKids, which you have probably heard me talk about, sent this message yesterday, right when I needed it.

"The word RACE is from the Greek AGON, from which we get the word agony. Our "race" in life is not a jog, but rather a demanding and grueling, sometimes agonizing race. It takes a massive effort to finish strong.

Likely you've noticed that many people don't finish. There are many on the side of the path. They used to be running. There was a time when they kept the pace. But then discouragement set in. They became tired. They didn't think the race would be this tough.

It is times like this that we need to realize that the race is not ours, but God's to finish. In our weakness, He is made strong. I say, "I am not able." He says, "I am." We don't have the answers. He does.

Listen closely... if we lift our eyes off of ourselves and our circumstances, it is much easier to see the path before us!

We can then run with peace and confidence. We can finish strong. "

Rob Cottrell