Today has been a pretty good day for Brinley. I'm surprised this being the day after chemo, but I just never know what tomorrow will bring, so we will be happy with this good day. Brinley is tired, but happy. She has been pretty mellow and wanted to be held and cuddled, which is okay with me!

The in-home nurse came this morning and we changed the dressing on her central line. She fought it and we had to hold her down, but it wasn't too dramatic. Now she has a nice fresh dressing over it. It's actually healing pretty well, it looked good and my stomach held up just fine.

I had to take the band-aids off from her spinal tap and her bone marrow biopsy within 24 hours, and that sounds like no big deal, but I swear the hospital uses super-glue on their band-aids because she screamed and it was all read and raw. But that has been all the drama for today so far.

She hasn't eaten a lot, but she is drinking a nutrition shake with vitamins in it and she really likes it (thanks Aunt Nancy and Aunt Lori!) and she has been able to eat enough to satisfy us.

Now that we are in week 2, I'm feeling a little different. Before there was so much going on, and it was awful, but I didn't really have time to think about things. Now that we are home, I've been doing a lot more thinking. One minute I'm doing great and feeling so positive, then the next minute I'm so discouraged and crying. It's so strange to have such extreme feelings of good and bad. I guess I've just realized a few things.

Number one....our baby has cancer. That is finally becoming real to me. There is an awful disease in her body that wants to end her life and we have to fight it. It is absolutely a war between us and the cancer and the war will take place inside her little two-year-old body and cause her pain.

Number two....I can't protect her. Painful, scary things keep happening to her over and over and over. I want nothing more than to be able to scream "NO YOU WILL NOT DO THAT TO HER! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" But doing that every time I want to would cost her her life. So I let it happen and she watches her parents let awful things happen to her. It is heartbreaking and I have no control over it.

Number three....We will make it through this. SHE will make it through this. At this point I will not look at any other option. I may be forced to rethink that someday soon, but right now I will not accept that she will not make it through this.

Number four....Life is full of trivial things that we think are important. Since this has happened I have realized how many things we focus on that are so incredibly UNimportant. Two weeks ago I saw things through a whole different world. Now our world has been picked up and shaken around and put back down and we need to pick up the peices. And the things that seemed so important don't even hold a drop of water compared to our family, friends, and the Lord. That is what is important to us. These people we live with day in and day out who we take for granted...THAT is what is important. Nothing else matters, money, cars, house, I don't care what I have if I don't have my family and the Lord in my life. I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have my family together. I love them.

Number five....Happiness and joy are precious things. Everytime I see Brinley smile now, I want to freeze time forever, because I know it may be gone in a moment. Every second of joy she has felt since this has happened has been a blessing and I can't wait for the day she can be back to her old self.

10 comments:

David H said...

Great post honey. I feel the same way. I love you. You are such a great mom and wife!

Peggy said...

Kristin, David & Entire Family - I hope you know how many prayers are being offered up for your precious family. We can't be there in person, and that won't stop us from being there in spirit, through prayer. I love what you posted today, and I can't thank you enough for all the updates, so we can follow the progress of this incredible Child Of God. I know that Taylor and Jade will be terrific big sisters for Brinley. Stay strong and know that we won't stop praying. We love and miss you all terribly.

Love and Prayers,
Peggy & Harry Purvis & the clan in Northeastern Montana :)

Stacy said...

Thanks for letting us in on your thoughts Kristin. Hang in there! We love you guys.

todd and angie purvis said...

Kris,
I feel so helpless should we come and help?you guys are all we think about right now,Please don't hestitate to ask, I am so proud of how strong you guys are,
In our prayers,
Love
Angie and Todd
Scott and Tige
We love you Taylor, be Strong Mom and David

adam said...

Kristin,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I want to give you a big hug and cry with you. You must feel so overwhelmed. I can only relate to some of what you are feeling. I am so sorry you have to go through this! It is definitely not fun. We will keep praying. Brin really is such a doll. God and many angels will help her get through this. You will be amazed and so full of joy at some time in the near future when you see her laughing and this will all be a vivid but distant memory from the past.
Much love and prayers, Susanne Creer

LaAna said...

I can't stop thinking of you guys and sweet Brinley. Our prayers and thoughts are with you. May the Spirit be your guide and faith your light in darker times.
All our love,
The Littlefields

David said...

Kristin, my beloved Kristin, thank you for your beautiful post. Lidia and I love you so much and we are proud for being the mother of my Granddaughters. I know it is a very hard time for you and for the entirely family. We pray permanently for Heavenly Father Help and I Know He hear our prayer.
I want to share a wonderful paragraph:"Although God sees our struggles and hears our prayers, He does not always remove our challenges. In His loving wisdom, He would not deprive us of the very learning opportunity that life is meant to provide. Like gold that is purified by the refiner's fire and diamonds that are formed in extremes of stress and pressure, God knows that we will never attain the full stature of our souls without being stretched and scarred, tested and tried, in the crucible of life. As Elder Neal A Maxwell wrote, "Our trials and our experiences in life must be real....The agony, the growth, the testing, and the joy must be real-real enough that they call forth in us (traits) that can only be mobilized under such conditions."
...God lifts us by allowing obstacles to block our paths from time to time. Often, He uses the very problems that slow our progress forward as His loving invitation to continue our journey upward. Our Father in Heaven has given as THE CHISEL FOR DETERMINATION and THE HAMMER OF FAITH so that we can carve steps in all our trials and climb one step at a time until we return to Him."....(Music and the Spoken Word by Lloyd D Newell)
Please, let me tell you that I know with all my heart that my sweet Brin Brin will be great and helthy in short time. She is preparing for something special in her life that only Heavenly Father know. And I know that You and David are the Parents and Angels that Our Heavenly Father place on earth, to take care for Brinly, and her beautiful sisters and the Baby coming. I know with all my heart that you and David meet on heaven and agree to be together in this difficult time. We love you and we are grateful that you married my baby David H.
Please, don't cry. Be happy because everything is okay and Heavenly Father is taken care for my sweet Brinley.
Thank you for your post. It is wonderful. Love and Prayers.
Grandpas Torres

Dad said...

Now that my eyes have dried a bit and I can see the keyboard again, I can write you a note. I will always cherish last week and the opportunity I had to be there as you were introduced to your new life and huge challenges.

Reading your post today I realized how strong you are and how much the Lord is watching over you and your family and giving you the strength and wisdom you need to get through this. And just so you know, Brinley will not only survive this, she will be an even more incredible person because of it. I have no doubt about that. And many more people than you will ever realize will benefit from her and your experience.

I marvel how close to the spirit you are. Just reading your "realizations" about family and the Lord makes me love you even more, if that's possible. I've never dared pray to avoid struggle, that just seems to brin them on. But boy I've prayed for the strength to endure them and come out wiser for it. You two are living examples of that principle. Thank you for showing us how to truly live the Gospel. Love, Dad.

Sole said...

It's amazing to me how gracious and merciful our Heavenly Father truly is. He has placed you in a place where you are so near to the best children's hospital, surrounded by a huge LDS family, has given you the strength you need to get through this, and has prepared you with the gospel and a testimony among other things. Although I hate that this has to happen, I love what my dad and your dad have said, and I believe those things to be true. I too have come to realize through this what really matters to me in my life. Your testimony and your strength has increased my testimony and given me strength, so thank you for opening your heart and sharing your thoughts with us. My brother couldn't have married a more special person. Because of you guys, Brinley will grow up to be strong physically and spiritually. I love you so much and I wish I could be there for you, but I guess I'll have to settle for being HERE for you! Please call me if you need ANYTHING, or even if it's just to talk!
XOXO,
Sole

Marion said...

Beautiful thoughts and wonderful posts from one of my favorite families. . . .