Today is our one week anniversary of coming home from the hospital. It feels like an eternity, I can't believe it's only been 1 week! We've learned a lot this week, and there is a lot to learn still. We are learning how life is as cancer parents. It will take some adjusting, but I think we'll get there. One of the main things we've noticed is the ups and downs. When Brinley is happy, we are overjoyed. When she's feeling good we feel a little normal, like before all this happened. We also know it could be gone any second, and when she is miserable, it reminds us that she has cancer. She will be laying there with red-rimmed eyes that will barely stay open feeling yucky. Today has been one of those days. She wasn't feeling very good this morning, perked up in the afternoon, then felt sick again in the evening. But she is eating still, yay! She does still have to have to oxycodone for her jaw pain, but at least she is getting some nutrition. She wanted mac & cheese for BREAKFAST again today! How crazy is that??

I think I've decided that is how life is as a cancer parent. We'll have days where we are so overjoyed for a happy moment, we feel our hearts will explode. And then we will have moments watching her go through pain where we will feel like our hearts are shattered into a million peices for what she is going through. That is our reality for the next little while.

My mom was here all week helping and it's a good thing! I don't know how I'll do this by myself, Brinley wants to be held all day! I was so sick yesterday all day that my mom decided to stay and help the rest of the day. I was so grateful, because between throwing up and a massive headache, I wasn't functioning too well! Luckily as my mom was on her way out, my sister-in-law Huenu (David's sister is St. George) swooped in to help for the weekend. So we haven't been left alone yet, my dad left and David's parents came, they left and my mom came, and she left and Huenu came. What a family!!!! Next week will be interesting on our own. Sometimes I feel like a child and want to cry "DON'T LEAVE ME!! I'M NOT READY!" But I know this has to happen eventually. I don't know who could possibly stay with me for 7 months! lol! So I'm gearing up for next week.

We are also feeling quite grateful. We realize it will be hard, but we also realize how much worse it could be. This is something she can beat and grow up to be perfectly healthy and normal. That thought makes it a little easier. I can't wait until I have my happy, healthy Brinley back!! I miss her!

And we are so glad to be here in Utah for all of this. Primary Children's Hospital has been so wonderful. They have had such wonderful doctors and nurses. The nurses have been so good to us, one even came in the room late at night to check vitals on Brin and found me crying by myself (I had thought I was safe with everyone gone, but you are never safe in the hospital!). She came over and sat and talked to me for like 10 minutes, and she was just coming to get Brinley's vitals! I thought that was so sweet of her. We really feel like Brinley is in good hands.


Lidia said...

Kristin, I want to let you know how much I understand your feeling, up and downs and fear. Lidia and me had similar experience, almost 25 yrs. ago, and with our kids. Fear and more fear...every day for something. It is normal on Parents who love his children and look desperately a way to recuperate our children health.

I have read a very special advice that help me a lot:
...Not long ago, a woman became upset after viewing anew magazine program. She began to worry and wonder. The images of disease and suffering troubled her to the point of sleeplessness. Wanting to dismiss these negative thoughts, she knelt by her bed and prayed. She sought for wisdom and perspective, and before long, peace filled her heart. She was able to think more clearly and to decide upon some protective measures for herself and family. The scripture came to mind:"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."(2Tim 1:7)...
...In this way, fear can actually teach us. Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this...I can take the next thing that comes along." Whether as a child, a youth, or an adult, when we work through our fears and enlist the Lord's help in overcoming them, we discover strength we didn't know we had.

While fear is normal in times of distress, it need not remain with us and keep us from living and loving with a fullness of heart.

The Lord has comforted His children all through the ages: "BE STRONG AND OF A GOOD COURAGE; BE NOT AFRAID, NEITHER BE THOU DISMAYED: FOR THE LORD THY GOD IW WITH THEE."(Josh 1:9)
(by Lloyd D Newell)
Please, Our beloved Kristin and David, don't see the full forest, see a tree, just one at a time, and in this way everything will be much better and easy.

Sorry about my English mistakes. I love you with all my heart. Lidia and me can't talk about you and Brin without tears> Our hearts, thinking and prayers are with you
always. Let us know what can we do for you! Hope some body stop by and help you in the coming week.
Hug and kisses
Lidia and David (los viejos Torres)