Normal? What's that? We seem to have forgotten in the last 3 weeks how it feels to be normal. Well, today we got a little taste of it and it felt gooooood. I'm going to talk about the rest of the fam for a minute, don't worry, I'll get to Brinley later. This morning Taylor(our 11 year old) had a soccer game in Orem pretty early, so we decided just one of us should go (we tried taking Brin to a soccer game on Thursday and she was sick and just laid there the whole time, so we didn't want to overwhelm her in one week), so I got to do the game. It was so nice to get away from everything and just enjoy watching Taylor play soccer. Then my sister took me to get a pedicure, I don't even have to say how nice that was so refreshing to be out for a few hours, I got home so happy and rejuvenated. Then David took Taylor to Federation (a performance where she gets judged for piano) and they went out for a milkshake after. Everyone was happy today. Except Brinley, of course, but get this, we actually got a few smiles and laughs out of her! I know this sounds so simple, but the last 3 weeks seem to have been filled with worry, and tears, and stress, and frowns from all of us, so to have this day to feel a little happiness has felt so wonderful to us all. ooooh, and David and I even went on a date! Yes, a date, I did my make up and my hair, and we went out to dinner.

Okay, so here's the sad thing of it all. I thought about how nice it was to get away from living and breathing cancer all day long. It made me feel so happy to just feel like I had a piece of my normal life back, before all this happened. And every time I came home, Brinley still looked the same as I had left. It was like in my head, leaving made her seem better, I would forget about how sick she is. But forgetting about it doesn't make it go away, and when I got home, she was still sick. And SHE can't get away from it like we can. It felt wonderful to escape, and she can't do that. She has to have it every second of every day, and there is no way for her to have a few hours to feel normal. That made me so sad and guilty that I had been able to go and forget about things, when she has no escape. It doesn't seem fair. I would give anything to give her the feeling I had today, to get away from cancer and chemotherapy, and feeling yucky. I want to just take it from her for a few hours so that she can remember how it felt to be healthy and happy. People ask how WE are holding up, and our bodies are perfectly healthy. So much going on in such a little body. I was looking at some pictures of her yesterday, and it made me so happy to see her with a happy face, enjoying life, and so sad to not be able to see that face now. My Brinley.

Last night was interesting, Brinley woke up at midnight and was screaming "Shake! shake!" She didn't even give us a chance to get it for her before she started freaking out! It was a funny sight to see, I stumbled out of bed in a mad rush to make her a shake, and didn't have time to grab my glasses. For those of you who know me, I am legally blind without my glasses. So I ran downstairs to make her a shake before she woke up the whole house and fumbled around with my blind self in the kitchen. I finally got the shake to her and she was happy and went back to bed. These steroids have turned her into a maniac when she wants something. She's like a pregnant woman when she decides she wants it, she wants it NOW! And we are bumbling fools scrambling to get it to her so she will stop screaming. I should video tape it sometime, it's quite the sight. But she is eating great, she has even strayed from the mac & cheese!

Her hair is coming out by the handfuls now. It looks think, but it's not quite patchy yet, so we can't decide when to shave it. She still looks normal, but there is hair EVERYWHERE. I'm just not ready for it to go yet, so we'll see what it looks like tomorrow. But it comes out like crazy, if she just lays on your shoulder you'll have a shoulder full of her hair when she gets up. :(

This marks 2 breakthroughs: she's not eating mac and cheese, and she is feeding herself instead of sitting on one of our laps being fed! (she hasn't wanted to feed herself since we got home)

Yummy pot pie!

All that feeding herself stuff makes her tired!

A date for mom and dad! Had to get a picture of that!


Anonymous said...

Dear Kristin and David,
I'm so glad you got a little normalacy in your life. The picture of you two looks great! It is the time spent doing normal things that will help you get through the cancer times. You NEED that break! Even though Brinley feels very sick, there might be little things that make her feel normal too, so don't feel guilty when you get a break. You are closer to the end of stage one than the beginning. That is good. You have met the demands made on you so far and so has Brinley. You all are doing amazing things!

I know you are being blessed and given strength to get through this - one day at a time. You are all loved my many people who are praying daily for your well being. The end will come, and life will be normal again, but the things you have learned through this experience will always be with you and give you perspective and the ability to bless other peoples lives in a way that may not have been possible without this experience.
Love Mom

Lidia said...

Kristin and David, we are so glad with the progress you have done already. We love you so much. I know with all my heart that Heavenly Father are blessing you and Brin. Everything will be Ok. we are happy that you have an opportunity for a break. You need it. You look wonderful in the picture and please don feel guilty. Kristin please make up every day and look nice, it will help you to help Brinly. Shortly the life will be normal again for you both, for sween Brin and sister and for the family. How great experience are you learning and one day you will understand and remember this hard time in your life. Every body love you and pray for you. Said hello to Jade and Tylor and of course an special hello to Brin Brin and the coming baby. We love you.
Los viejitos Torres

Anonymous said...

Hi Darlings! It is so great to see Brinley feeding herself I personally haven't seen her out of her parents arms for weeks, so that is a little normal for her right? Please try to not feel guilty, that is easier said than done. Having her home to care for is a huge blessing and you are doing fantastic on your part....I love you all so much and pray for an even better week coming up. Hope to see you soon. Tons of love & hugs ;) (shake it up Brinley!!)
Aunt Nancy

Huenu said...

I absolutely understand where you're coming from with the need for normalcy but feeling guilty afterwards. But you do need the normal to be a better mom and wife. Because although Brin needs you all the time, the rest of the family does, too. They need mom, Dave needs you. It's how you'll stay strong thru this as a family. Glad to know Brin is doing better with the feeding and eating, had to laugh at the blind shake making, that would totally be me. Love you, Huenu.